I’m feeling a bit down, I really want to write about this to get it out of my system. I’m quite a fearful person but I’ve worked hard on overcoming it this year. I got myself into a bad state after the break up, I did everything possible to help myself get better. I paid for NLP therapy sessions and they weren’t cheap, I’ve been reading and learning, attending personal development events. I’ve invested time, energy and money into sorting myself out. I don’t want to go to that dark place again, its scary. But I know that if I’m not careful, I can spiral back down into the dark hole. I’ve learnt not to think my way out of depression and to over analyse. I’ve learnt about meditation, I know these are my passing thoughts and feelings. I accept them and will let them go. Its ok to feel negative. I’m doing really well. I am managing my emotions very well, so well done me. I am proud of myself. (Yes, I’ve also learnt about positive reinforcement and self-compassion, I’m not so harsh to myself. I’ve given up on being a perfectionist)
What’s bothering me? My friends and their negative energy.
1. DC – I’ve blocked him now (see previous entries as to why i’m ignoring him), a few weeks ago he mentioned that he is scared of being alone and single. He’s scared of his friends being in a relationship and abandoning him.
2. AK – She messaged me yesterday, she’s not in the UK at the moment. We ended up talking about being single. Her nephew had a baby and she’s so jealous, she doesn’t want to be single and alone. I tried to keep positive and she said a very negative comment “all the good guys are taken or they are gay”. It upset me, that was my initial reaction but then I realised that its her problem. She can believe that if she wants but I’m having an open mind. I don’t want to think like that. Words have power.
3. MK – I was chatting to him on whatsapp, he asked a girl out and she rejected him. To cut a long story short, he’s also scared of being single, alone and not having children.
Argh, I want to scream. Help me. Why am I surrounded by people who are so fearful? You become who you associate with. I don’t want to be fearful and negative like my friends. I’ve worked hard to transcend my limiting beliefs and fearfulness. I will not let anyone drag me down. I recently realised that I’m actually quite easily influenced by what people say. I do it on a subconscious level. I have to be careful. I used to think like my friends and I got severely depressed and unhappy. I’m not going down that route again. Yes, life is for sharing, I don’t want to be alone either but I’ve learnt to access a higher level of consciousness. I know this is all new age hippy talk, but I want to vibrate at a higher energy level. I don’t want to be motivated by the feeling of lack, fear and desperation. I want to be operating at the optimum level of love, joy and enlightenment. This is hard to explain. What I mean is this…
I’ve always been driven my fear. I’m not good enough, I don’t want to fail, I’m scared that people will abandon me. I was very scared about my relationship with the ex. Then after the break up, I was scared of dating, when I tried to date, I was scared of getting hurt again but yet I was fearful of being alone. I was scared of not meeting another guy that I like. I was scared to be my authentic self. I have a problem of expressing myself because I’m scared of being judged and criticised, I’m a bit of a people pleaser because I’m scared that people won’t like me or I would upset them. I’m scared of life. I’m scared of getting hurt but yet I’m also scared of love. I didn’t know how to love. You get the picture? Very negative and lots of limiting beliefs. What kind of life is that?
I’ve learnt a lot this year. I’m now in a much better place. Its been a difficult process but step by step, I’ve slowly eliminated my fears and I finally understand the principle of feel the fear and do it anyway. I will always have fear, I can’t eradicate fear but now I will not let it ruin my life. I don’t want to be like my friends. They are setting themselves up for disappointment with their attitude. I’ve been there and done that, I’m not putting myself through that hell hole again. 2014 has been the worst year of my life, emotionally. I had hit rock bottom and I’m promising myself that I will never get myself into this state ever again.
I am now operating at a more positive frequency. I am thankful for all the wonderful people I met this year and also Simon, I learnt so much. I am not scared of loneliness, that’s thanks to Buddhism. I’ve been listening to a lot of Ajahn Brahmn’s talk on YouTube and it helped me a lot. I’m learning to be my own best friend. I remember having this conversation with Ed, my NLP coach. The conversation went something like this:
Ed: “Life is for sharing, we are here to procreate”
Me: “Umm, are you saying I’m worthless because I’m single. I can’t be happy alone?”
Ed: “Of course not, that’s why you are here to learn and improve on yourself. Many people jump from one relationship to the next without learning about themselves. It’s important to be content with yourself and then when you find a partner, the love is more powerful”
I can’t remember the exact conversation, but it was something alone those lines. My point is, everyone thinks that a loving relationships can solve all their problems, life is for sharing. I agree but it depresses me. It implies that I can’t be happy because I’m single. That’s why I turned to Buddhism and spirituality to find the answer that I want to hear. We can be our own best friends, we are all at one with the Universe. We don’t need a soulmate to make us happy and feel fulfilled. Yes, it would be amazing to find a wonderful partner but I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on someone else. All my life, I wished that someone will love me, I’m finally learning about self-love and so I want to believe that loving myself is enough. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to find a partner, it just means that whatever happens, I can handle it. I used to be very naive and believed in happily ever afters but the ex had totally shattered my hopes and dreams. He taught me a harsh lesson, people can change, there are no guarantees for happily ever afters. I’m still naive, I still like my fairytales and I still believe in love but I’m now aware that I create my own reality, I’m in control of my mind.
Love, joy and enlightenment. I understand the meaning now. The way I see life is that I’m lucky to be alive, I’m grateful for what I do have, I am calm, I have to stay focused and take action. Fears and negatively will not dictate my life.
Loneliness doesn’t scare me. Its not the worse that could happen. What is more scary is death and illness. I’m just putting things into perspective. I am not being pessimistic or negative, I’m just stating a fact that loneliness is the least of my worries if I was to list out my fears. So, that implies that when it comes to dating, I have nothing to fear!
I’m not sure if I’m making sense. If not, my main point is – do not be influenced by the fearful and negative attitudes of my friends. There is nothing to fear! If I do feel the fear, then just push through it and it’ll be okay.
Setting yourself up for disappointment
I’ve been reading a cool book called The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman. It discusses how positive thinking can be dangerous. I won’t go into details, a good example in the book was that when you think on positive things, you have to also focus on negative things. Its basically setting yourself up for disappointment. E.g. the statement “don’t think of a white polar bear”, you can’t not think about a white polar bear.
I know some people won’t agree with me, but according to my model of the world, this is what I think and believe. I’ve been bought up the tough Chinese way, that’s why my views are a bit extreme. For example, at school I had to get an A grade. If I didn’t get an A grade, it means that I’m not good enough, I’m a failure. If I ever have kids, I will not condition their minds like that. I will tell them “do your best, aim high, you can succeed”. I know how my mind works, so if someone said to me “life is for sharing” to me, I interpret that meaning that I’m a failure because i’m not sharing my life with someone. I learnt this from my NLP therapy with Ed. We filter and distort things, then we give it a meaning that fits into our thinking. Therefore I really don’t want to think like my friends. I don’t want to think “I don’t want to be alone, I want to be in a relationship, life is for sharing, I want to find someone”. That causes me distress cos it means I’m single, I can’t be happy, I have to find a guy to make me feel complete. I’m not going down that path of thinking! Instead, I’ll say to myself “I love myself, I enjoy my own company, I’ll take action and start dating, it’ll be fun, it’ll be nice to find a guy to share my life with”. When I talk to myself like that, I do not come from a place of desperation and not good enough cos I’m single. Words have power. I have to be careful with how I talk to myself. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment because of my self-talk. The differences may be subtle but it means a lot to me.
I’ve been reading Chinese philosophy books. I can’t remember who said this but language is not a direct reference of the truth e.g. when you point to the moon or describe the moon, it is not the moon itself. The moon is just in the sky, you have to observe it to understand the real moon. I love those stories, they are simple but yet profound. I really liked that story about the moon. I’m a logical person, I think and analyse a lot but I’ve realised that using language to describe something can mean that what I’m trying to write about can be lost in translation from thought/feeling to words. I’m working on being a more critical and efficient thinker. I’ve also been reading a book called You are Not So Smart: Why Your Memory is Mostly Fiction, Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook and 46 Other Ways You’re Deluding Yourself by David McRaney
I guess the good thing about me is that I’m humble and modest. I’m not ego driven and so I can be open minded. I’m learning a lot about life and changing my old thinking habits. People always want to think they are right but the good thing about me is that I’m a good listener, I admit when I’m wrong and I’m willing to change. Lots of people are trapped in their thinking, I’ve escaped from that.
Well, 2014 has been a painful but a good year afterall cos I’ve learnt so much. I am never alone, I always have myself. No one can reject me apart from myself. Fear of loneliness is ok but I know I can handle it, its not the end of the world but I’m going to take action to have fun and prevent it from happening. Whatever happens, at least I tried my best.
I feel more calm now. Time for bed. Good night. Be strong, be brave, have courage and do not let other people affect your inner peace.