Life is precious

Sunday 8:47pm
Dear Diary,
I haven’t written in here for ages. What have I been up to?
I don’t know where to begin. It’s been a challenge, I’ve had ups and downs.

I just watched a BBC drama called The C-Word, it’s based on a real life story of a 28 year old women who had breast cancer but she lost her fight. It was so sad, I was crying throughout the film. My mind is blank and I’m lost for words.

Yesterday I met some friends for dinner. I met Jason first and he told me about his trip to Poland. He went to Auschwitz and saw one of the concentration camps, it sounded horrific. I’ve read several novels based on world war 2, books like Bird Song, Charlotte Grey, The Violin of Auschwitz, Man’s Search for Meaning and a novel about Shostakovich, plus Anne Frank. I’ve watched films about it as well. But Jason’s first hand experience had a profound effort on me. I’m sorry, I’m talking about the theme of death here. I’ve even got a book called The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. My point is…I don’t actually know what I want to say, it’s such a sad topic. I guess my point is that life is precious and we are very fortunate. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering that some people have to go through, it just makes me cry. My so called problems are minor.

I’m finding it difficult to write this blog entry because my issues are quite silly in the grand scheme of things. I’m behaving like a spoilt brat.

I’ve been contemplating my death, how am I going to die, when will I die? I know its morbid to think like that but it enables me to put things into perspective. I’ve talked about this many times before, I’m suffering from self-centeredness, depression, first world problems that are caused by my inability to handle my thoughts and emotions, hence I’m on this self-development path because I have to improve my emotional intelligence. People around the world are dying, suffering from war, starvation, difficult situations or diseases, they are struggling to survive. I am very lucky and I am grateful for that. I don’t mean to be hard on myself but sometimes I’m so caught up in my problems that I forget about the big picture.

*

To be honest, I’m not feeling 100%. I’ve had a few coaching sessions with Harriet and she’s helped me a lot. I’ve recently discovered the concept of self-love. This week I started doing the Ho’oponopono peace and reconciliation exercise, I repeat the mantra:

I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.

I do that for 10 minutes and it makes me cry. Yes, I know I’m going a bit crazy with my personal development, I went from Buddhism, Chinese philosophy, Indian philosophy and now I’m onto Hawaiian stuff. Oh, by the way I’ve also done a NLP course. I’m reading and learning so much because I’m searching for answers. I feel wounded, I need healing. I’m on a quest to find inner peace. I’ve progressed because I know finally understanding the importance of love and forgiveness towards myself.

I’m not in the mood to write, words are not flowing out. I haven’t recovered from the BBC film. I just want to cry, it’s so sad. I wish there was a cure for cancer, it’s awful. It reminds me of when grandma had breast cancer, it was one of the worst times of my life. I’m so grateful that she recovered. It was horrible to see her being ill and depressed. Death is horrible. I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room, people were waiting to be called into see the doctor, it was like waiting for a death sentence, you’re either given the “you have cancer” or “all clear” news.

Sorry, I meant to write an update about my life but I’m talking about a different subject. Let me end here and I’ll attempt to write in my diary another time.

Kindness and caring

Simon taught me a wonderful lesson…how can I tell if someone genuine cares? To be honest, I didn’t have a clue until Simon taught me. Looking back, I have very few friends who genuinely cared. I was the one who was trying too hard to care for them, be a good friend and make them like me. I never thought if someone actually cared about me or not. For example, I’m ignoring AK. That has always been a one sided friendship, when has she truly listened and cared about me? The conversation is always about her.

I’m so thankful that Simon taught me this lesson. It’s silly that I’m 34 and I didn’t have a clue about this.

Growth

16th March 2015, Mon 6:12pm
Dear Diary,
I haven’t written in here for ages. A lot has happened, I don’t know where to start. The main thing is that I’m growing and learning more about myself. I’ve made great progress and I’m proud of myself. I do have my ups and downs, I’m feeling a bit down right now but I’m doing okay.

Where shall I start? My negative friend AK, she was stressing me out a lot, I just couldn’t handle her anymore and so I took a break and ignored her. Her ex by was getting married, she was depressed about relationships, she’s quite self-centered, she was draining my energy. I did my best to help her and when she felt better, I stepped back and avoided her. She was upsetting me, I don’t want to be constantly involved in her emotional drama. It was a one sided friendship, she was using me as an emotional garbage bin. I need to put myself first. I went through a difficult transition phase because I also cut off some negative friends. I’m sorry but there is a fine line between compassion and wisdom. I’ve learnt that you also need wisdom. I can’t just give everything away and have nothing left for myself.

I’ve achieved a lot in a short space of time. I started doing improvisation comedy and I now go to that regularly. I went to a session last Friday and I’m going again this Friday. I joined a choir, I’ve been to 2 sessions and I’m so excited, I’m singing in a concert tomorrow at our local town hall to raise money for charity! I also joined a local violin group lesson. I was worried about meeting new people but now I have regular hobbies that gives me the opportunity to meet new people. It takes time to build meaningful friendships, I just need to keep up my hobbies and be patient with making new friends.

A lot has changed, sigh, one of my nice colleagues resigned. He had enough of the crazy office politics at work and found a new job. I felt sad cos he was like a good friend and supported me at work, he always gave me good advice. I miss him but it’s been a month now and I’ve adjusted to life without him. I worked with him for about 7 years and so its sad, end of a working relationship. Another big change is that my violin teacher doesn’t want to teach me anymore, I’ve had lessons with her for about 3 or 4 years, that’s sad for me as well. I know it sounds minor but these people have been a part of my life and it feels empty. I get attached too easily. There’s been a lot of changes in my life but its all for the best. For example, I’ve got rid of toxic friends who drag me down and now I have the potential to meet nicer people. My colleague was really unhappy with work and we use to moan about the crazy office politics, now he’s gone, I don’t have to deal with that negative energy, I just get on with my work and have no one to moan to. My violin teacher, to be honest, she’s an amazing violinist but she didn’t push me too far and didn’t have the resources to teach me. I’ve found a new teacher and I think she’ll be better at giving me technical studies and regular lessons. Change can be a good thing. As my NLP coach told me, change is exciting. There’s no failure, only feedback.

I don’t want to go into too much details about this but I had quite an enlightening holiday. I went to Taiwan with 2 friends, Jason, who is originally from Singapore and Chris who is an Australian born Chinese. I fell out with them. I don’t want to talk about it now, I’ve had a coaching session with Simon and we went over this, I don’t want to repeat what happened. But Jason was being very rude to me. Chris got on my nerves because he was so quiet, I couldn’t make conversation with him and he didn’t help to diffuse my disagreements with Jason. I ended up getting my own hotel and spent 3 days by myself cos I didn’t want to be around people who do not respect me. I had an amazing holiday by myself. I’m still friends with the guys, they don’t realise that I was really pissed off. I tried my best to be understanding, compassionate and respect their model of the world but they overstepped my tolerance level. I know that if I got angry and had an argument with them, it wouldn’t help the situation, so I kept my mouth shut and did my own thing.

I feel proud of myself that I took action and walked away from unnecessary drama and stress. Why should I tolerate people who do not respect me and appreciate me. I tried my best to communicate with them but it wasn’t working. It was my holiday as well, I didn’t want them to ruin it. I had a coaching session with Simon about what happened and I did the right thing. Simon taught me that I have to be strong and believe in myself, I am my own person, I have to live with conviction with who I am. I must have a strong identity of who I am and if people don’t appreciate me or mis-jugde me, that’s their problem. Thank you Simon for your words of wisdom.

Focus

Monday, 12:24pm
I had a free coaching session with Mark yesterday. He’s a guy in his 50s, he’s a coach and I met him at a personal development event. Its interesting to try out different coaches and to see their coaching style, he didn’t teach me anything new but it helped to consolidate the things I already knew about. To be honest, I wouldn’t want him as my coach, he’s a bit close minded compared to the other coaches I’ve come across. He generalises too much and has a lot of assumptions and stereotypes. Anyway, lets not focus on what he didn’t teach me, I’m losing my focus! What I want to write about is the importance of focusing on what you do want and how words have power. I already learnt this stuff from Simon but I forgot about it.

What do I want?
This year will be about love, connections and relationships. This includes all types of relationships, boyfriend, friendships, family etc. I want loving relationships, to be accepted, appreciated and loved. I want people who are open minded, flexible, understanding, compassionate, strong but not stubborn. I want to be happy and life a fulfilling life with joy and abundance.

Ok, you get the picture. I won’t elaborate on it anymore.

How do I achieve it?
Well, its work in progress. I’m in the process of removing toxic friends from my life and shifting my mindset. I’m taking action. I’m meeting new people, working on my inner peace and noticing when people make me feel bad about myself. I’m going to be focusing on creating the life that I do want. I don’t have much to report right now because I’m still taking action. I’ll talk about my progress in more detail when I’m ready.

Simon taught me the importance of consistency, persistence, commitment and taking action, plus the power of focus and how words have power. I’m still learning and putting it into practise.

*

Change of topic. I know I’m focusing on something negative but I want to have a rant and get this out of my system. It highlights the point that it is important to hang around with good people who do not drag you down.

I had to work on Saturday, our offshore team in India are so lovely. They’re very nice, friendly, helpful and accepting. It’s great working with them. Today, I had this conversation with an offshore colleague:

Colleague: “You have to use remote desktop to log into our machines, you can disconnect by clicking on the red button”
Me: “Great, thanks for letting me know”

If it was on of my toxic friends, their reply will be something like:
“Yeah, I know that already. I don’t need you to tell me”

I met some friends on Saturday and one of them had a go at me. The conversation went like this:
Me: “So, will you be staying with us?”
Friend: “I said it earlier, listen. I said I’m not sure yet. Pay attention next time, don’t you listen, I don’t want to repeat myself again”
Oh my god, why is he talking to me like that? Fine, I wasn’t paying attention because we were all on our tablets doing research for the trip. He didn’t need to over react like that. A decent human being wouldn’t over react.

I really don’t want people like that in my life. Enough is enough! Time for me to make new friends. I’ve put up with that negative behaviour because I wasn’t strong enough but now I’m changing and its time for me to move on. I’m not saying my friends are bad people, I’m just saying that I don’t want to be treated like that anymore. I don’t want my focus to be wasted on getting myself upset and unhappy because of these friends. They drain my energy. I’m not blaming them or criticising them, they are who they are. But they don’t fit in with the new me. I’m evolving.

I’m also avoiding AK. She is very toxic and I don’t want to deal with her emotional bullshit on me anymore. Its a one sided friendship, I’m always listening to her moan about things. It’s bad for my focus. I end up focusing on the negative things she talks about. I’m not strong enough to deal with her. It’s time for me to focus on myself. I’ve been too nice to other people, it’s time for me to be nice to myself and to be a good friend for myself. If my friends really need emotional help, I’ll recommend them to a life coach. They have serious issues and need to change, I’m not strong enough to help them. I’ve done my best.

Right, rant over. Let me get back to focusing on what I want. I want people in my life that makes me feel good, accepted, happy and connected, like Simon. He is such an amazing friend. He doesn’t make me feel bad about myself, he makes me feel positive and hopeful. He’s supportive and generous. He’s inspiring and compassionate. That is the kind of people I need in my life.

I have to be mindful of where I place my focus.

Discipline and Consistency

11:28am
I’m exhausted, I had a tough week, emotionally. I don’t want to go into the details but I know what I need to do to move forward. I’m leaving the past baggage behind me and moving forward, that’s the only way to go. I don’t want to be stuck and miserable.

I have made a tough decision to leave my friends behind. I don’t want their negative influence. We become how we hang around with, I don’t want to be stuck like them, I don’t want them to drag me down anymore. I’m not strong enough to deal with negative people. I’m working very hard on building myself up but these people are affecting my evolution. I don’t want their shit anymore.

Its time to take action, be disciplined and consistent!! I feel so much happier and lighter. My glimpse of inner peace has returned.

*

I’m really pissed off with AK and her daily updates about her appetite. It’s always a one sided conversation, there is no “hello, how are you, hope you’re having a good day”. Its all about her. I’ve had enough of giving my time and energy to help her. I am not her emotional garbage bin. Our last conversation went like this:
AK: “I’m finally eating now, I’m just drinking a cup of coffee. You busy tomorrow?”
Me: “I already have plans”
AK: “My appetite is back, I can cook proper food now”
Me: I didn’t reply.
The next day, she sent me this:
AK: “You’ve gone quiet, is everything ok?”

She was fishing for empathy but I’ve had enough of this one sided conversation where it is all about her. She can feck off. I’m not being harsh because there are lots of incidents where its all about her. She’s so selfish and has so much negative energy. She’s always moaning. I’m too nice, I just keep my mouth shut and listen but I actually wanted her to shut up. I don’t want to deal with her emotional shit.

I feel so different when I’m around good people like Simon. We have a 2 way conversation, it isn’t all about me or all about him. He listens to me and gives me advice and I listen to him. I want to be around people who lifts me higher and supports me.

I took action, I’m going to a local meetup event and I also joined a local Toastmaster club. I went to a personal development event yesterday and met some lovely people. I feel so different when I’m around positive people. I don’t feel like my energy is being drained.

Right, I’m going to tidy up my flat because its a complete mess and then I’ll take action and do the things that I’ve put off. Life is wonderful. Yesterday, the guy at the personal development event said something like “I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t go through all the shit I experienced in the past, so I appreciated the experience” I was inspired by that because I tend to blame myself and feel depressed about the past but he is right, I wouldn’t be a better person if my heart wasn’t broken. I’m grateful for that bad experience.

Moving on and grandma’s birthday dinner

Sunday, 8:43pm
I’m feeling a bit nostalgic and emotional today. I’m an emotional person, my brain tells me that I shouldn’t think about this, logic tells me to push it away but I have to talk about it and let it out. It was around this time last year that the ex broke up with me. I got myself in a terrible state and I had to go to my grandma’s birthday dinner. I remember going to a Chinese restaurant, I remember I looked like shit and felt so depressed. Then I got myself into a very dark place. It’s been one year, time flies. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk about it but I’m a very sentimental person. I love my grandma and I did love him but I just didn’t know how to handle the whole situation. I have to move on and I’m getting there. And I have evidence…

My friend, AK, I had a little rant about her negativity. She had a bit of an emotional breakdown because she found out that her ex is getting married. I’ve been helping her, giving her advice, chatting to her, counselling her, teaching her what I learnt and oh my days, I actually learnt a lot! I have a massive supply of resources. I’ve been sending her youtube video links, mp3 files, books to read, articles to read etc. I’ve accumulated a lot of knowledge. I worked so hard to develop myself to be a better person. I even paid for professional coaching sessions. I did everything possible to get myself out of the black hole. I’m proud of myself.

I don’t want to sound like I’m still obsessed with the ex, I keep on mentioning him but he did make a big impact in my life and he helped to change me for the better. Well, I mean he pushed me down and I worked hard to pull myself back up. I never ever want to be with a guy who treats me like that again.

I didn’t see my aunt, uncle and little cousin for a whole year because of the feelings of guilt and shame. My aunt knows me very well, I couldn’t face her. She would be able to sniff out that something was wrong with me. I didn’t want her to worry about me, I didn’t want her to sense that I was depressed. I rather have her being angry at me for not being in touch. I’m sorry, I know I didn’t handle the situation well. But I was depressed. Luckily today she wasn’t too pissed off at me and my little cousin has forgiven me. Kids are amazing, they can forgive and let go quite easily. I need to cultivate that into my personality.

I’m in a much better place now. Its funny, Simon read my previous blog entry and he said that I sound like him. I re-read what I had written and wow, I really do sound like Simon. I finally understand what it means to come from a position of strength. I have to keep on moving forward, life carries on. It can be a struggle but I have to keep on going.

A rant about my date – Compassion and Selfishness, I’m not distraught

Thurs 9:52pm
Very quick entry. I had a date this evening and I feel okay. I’m proud of myself, I can finally move on. I’m stronger. I won’t discuss in detail how I feel, I want to have a rant about what I didn’t like about this guy I met tonight. I’m sorry, I know its just my opinion, I’m not being judgmental but this is what I saw and I just want to consolidate my learning.

I met this guy in a coffee shop, it was dark in there and so I didn’t see him properly. I knew it was a NO cos I was gulping down my hot chocolate, I wanted to escape but then I thought I’ll pay attention and give it a go, maybe he can be a friend or I might get to like him, I mustn’t be judgmental, I have to keep chatting, practise my people skills. Then we went for dinner and I knew it was a NO WAY!!!!! He looked unattractive when there was more lighting. I gobbled up my dinner really quickly and wanted to get away. I walked really fast to the train station, haha he couldn’t quite keep up with my fast pace of walking. i feel ok, I feel empowered. I’m not having a nervous breakdown and crying my eyes out. I feel hopeful. I need to line up the next guy to date. I’m not giving up. I’m in a much stronger place.

What didn’t I like about him?

1. No compassion. He was telling me about his grandma, she’s a bit of a hypochondriac, aches and pains, always making up excuses. She’s a recluse and doesn’t like to go out. His sister had a wedding and the grandma made up an excuse and didn’t turn up. The grandma never met her sister’s husband or child. The sister can’t forgive the grandma for not going to the wedding. What the fuck? Poor grandma. I feel so sorry for the poor old grandma. It’s a cry for help, she needs love, care and attention. Why is the sister so bloody selfish? Yes, it was bad of the grandma to not go to the wedding but it sounds like she has some psychological issues. If the grandma doesn’t visit them, why don’t they make the effort to go and visit her. Where’s the love, understanding and compassion? I find it really difficult around my grandparents, but I make the effort to go home once and week to see them. I’m still working on handling their negativety and expressing my love for them, but I make time to see them. I know I’m jumping to conclusions and being judgmental but I find it really sad and unnecessary when people cut off their family. I know its not easy but at least they should attempt to resolve the issue. I’m saying this because I can see it in my family, I don’t have a great relationship with my family, I feel sadness, guilt and regret about it, rather than anger. Its really difficult for old people. We need to show some respect and appreciation. Why don’t people make the effort to understand others and have some compassion? Its sad. This is just my opinion. When someone behaves badly, its actually a cry for help, they are deeply troubled and need some loving kindness. Haha, I’ve been listening to a lot of Buddhist talks on YouTube.

2. Unkind. The guy told me that he emailed a Chinese Malaysian girl for quite a long time, something like 5 months. They finally met and she was too into him, he found it really freaky. Poor girl. I know it is freaky, I don’t know the full story or the girl he talked about. But the way I interpreted it is that Chinese girls can be quite naive. We fall in love really fast, we are obedient and loyal, well I know I’m over generalising but some people do get attached quite quickly. You develop a bond, an attachment when you email someone for so long. Obviously its kind of crazy but sometimes people can’t control their emotions. He shouldn’t have emailed a girl for so long who lives in the other side of the world (she lived in Malaysia and planning to move to London) That is just my opinion. I certainly wouldn’t be emailing a guy who doesn’t live in London, I got better things to do with my time!

3. Dating to get over a broken heart. Oh my days, that is just sooooo wrong!! He said the reason he started online dating was because he had a massive crush on his work colleague. This girl then started dating his flatmate, one night she came back to their shared flat and he said them next door (as in he heard them having sex) and that motivated him to start online dating. What the fuck!!!??? You don’t go dating because you want to get over someone. I find that to be really selfish. Yes, we all want love and to be in a relationship, but I really don’t like his reason for signing up for online dating. We need to sort ourselves out first. Maybe I’m naive, but I didn’t want to date someone because I wasn’t over my ex, I don’t want to go around hurting other people. I know that I need to sort out myself, I needed to heal my wounds.

4. He was rubbish at replying my messages. I don’t like that.

Rant over. This is just my opinion and belief. If the incidents he described happened to me, how would I dealt with it?

1. What he said about his grandma…compassion. My younger brother is always ranting about my grandparents because they are so negative, things at home are really toxic. I always tell my brother “they don’t mean any harm, they had a tough life, its just how grandparents are brought up, life is difficult for them, I feel sorry for them, its sad being old. If grandparents died, I would feel guilty if I ended things on a bad note. Enjoy your life with them, live with no regrets”. My brother is a good kid, he understands what I mean. While I was on my date, my brother sent me a text message and said that my grandma slipped and fell on the floor but she’s okay. I was really concerned and worried. I gave her a call on my way home and she sounded okay, thanks goodness. I love my family. I hope my grandparents will be okay. Its sad to see them grow old.

2. Firstly, I wouldn’t be wasting my time by emailing a guy from another side of the world and leading him on. Yes, I would be freaked out if he fell in love with me through emails. But then I will feel sorry for him, he is deluded and has some emotional issues. I would try to teach him about psychology, attachment and educate him that his behaviour is inappropriate.

3. You should never date someone to mend a broken heart or to feel a void in your life. It is fucking selfish. I won’t discuss this now because I have a lot to say on this topic but to summarise, as Simon taught me, you need to find inner peace. People who go from one relationship to another, without sorting themselves out, I find them to be pathetic. I feel sorry for them. I know I’m being judgmental but inner peace is so important to me. I finally understand what Simon means about inner peace.

I’m proud of myself. I worked hard in 2014, I learnt so much and I’m still learning. I feel a big shift in how I feel and I’ve never felt so calm before in my life.

New Year’s Eve party – growth and contentment

6:12pm
Dear Diary,
I have another shift in my thinking. Compassion, forgiveness and self-love. I was criticising my friends and moaning about how the made me feel/their negative influence on me. I’ve finally understand that I shouldn’t let other people affect how I feel. I’m a stronger person now, I’m more self-aware and I will not let other people and their negativity influence me. We all live life the best way we know how, we don’t know any better unless we are willing to change. My friends are not bad people, they have their own issues.

Nice and wise colleauges
Lets just say that I don’t like 80% of my colleagues. I work in a ego dominated work environment where people are selfish, money focused and they’re obsessed with climbing the career ladder and looking good. They are not nice people. But let me focus on my the nice people at work…

I really like Timi and Musa, they are like my mentors, a father figure. They are amazing managers, they have excellent people skills. They are just so amazing. They’re like the wonderful people that I’ve met at personal development events. They are smart, positive and deep thinkers. The point I want to make is that they have taught me so much and I’m grateful for them.

I have issues with my line manager, I won’t go into details but because he’s obsessed with “looking good” and his profile, I don’t get on with him because I’m low key, humble and quiet. He has issues with my so called visibility as in I need to scream and shout more rather than being conscientious and quietly working away. Timi told me that in the future, if my manager treats me unfairly, I should put everything in writing so that there is a record of the conversation. When things are in writing, people react differently because they have to respond carefully. Timi taught this to his wife when she was pregnant and her colleagues were being unfriendly to her. Wow, its a good tip. You see, I have issues communicating with certain people. I just don’t know how to deal with difficult people, people who don’t listen to my opinion and lacks empathy. I’m so grateful for my nice colleagues cos they helped me out so much with handling office politics.

New Year’s Eve party and drunk friends
AK had a party at her house yesterday. Oh my days, what is it with alcohol and getting drunk? I had a nice time, I enjoyed my friends company but I really don’t understand why people over do it with the alcohol. Haha, this is rather hilarious. Mike spent his new year’s eve in the bathroom being sick and most of his time with his head in the toilet. Self-created suffering. The party started around 6pm, we went to AK’s house and started preparing food. Mike had a lot to drink and he was acting a bit like a drunk person eg. loud, hyper, confident, flirtatious, happy, silly etc. He was getting a bit too close to Magali, we all sensed a bit of a sexual spark going on between them two. They were both drinking too much. They even went out to buy more booze. When everyone arrived, we started taking shots of vodka. I know my limits, I never over do it. But everyone was making me feel bad for not drinking more. Mike was pressurising me to drink more. I am actually a very strong person, I know my values and I’m not easily influenced in situations like this. I am not abusing my body with alcohol. I’m too good and sensible. Anyway by about 10pm,, Mike went from happy have no fear drunk to totally wasted. The alcohol got to him and he just suddenly went weird, he was feeling dizzy and sick. That was the end of the party for him, he spent the rest of the evening in the bathroom. We were worried about him because he’s diabetic as well. We wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol of his diabetes. Luckily AK and Pete’s friend from Canada knows how to deal with it cos his parents are diabetic. He handled Mike very well. I’m glad the party wasn’t at my flat….yuck, the puking, dizziness, drunk person craziness. I don’t know how to handle that. Mike was in a bad state, he was mumbling and muttering, saying things like “I’m so fucked, this is fucking awful, kill me”. He was like that for over 3 hours. It was kinda scary. 3 people (including Mike) ended up staying at Agin’s place because the party finished around 4am, they weren’t in a good state to get home, plus transport problems at that time of the night.

I got home and had a bath, I didn’t go to bed until around 5am. I have a bit of OCD and problems with germs. I had to clean myself. I woke up around 2pm this morning. I messaged AK to see that everything’s ok, but it turns out that she was sick this morning cos of the alcohol. I hope my friends are okay. It’s kinda crazy. I can’t comprehend the enjoyment of consuming alcohol. I guess that I’m lucky to have the Chinese gene/enzyme that cannot digest alcohol. For me, it’s like poison entering into my body. I just feel ill if I drink beyond my limit, I don’t even get to the happy/hyper stage. It’s not because I don’t know how to let my hair down and have fun. Its because I choose to be sensible and not go wild cos I know I would feel crap afterwards.

Growth and contentment
I was feeling a bit crap When I wrote my previous entry, but I’ve recovered. Meditation and watching/listening to positive youtube videos makes me feel better. I’m still learning and absorbing in this new way of thinking. It’s a profound shift from my old way of thinking. I don’t want to discuss it now because it doesn’t feel the same when I put words and logic into the spiritual/philosophical things that I am learning. I can’t remember what book I read this in, it talked about words and feelings. When you start using logic, it can alter the meaning of how you feel. Sometimes you don’t have the knowledge and capacity to describe how you feel, using words is not an accurate description because you are labeling things according to your model of the world. Eg. With the ex bf, I felt a lot of fear and anxiety, my instincts told me that he’s lying about something. I didn’t know how to process those gut instincts feelings and so I interrupted it to “I’m not good enough, he doesn’t like me, what am I doing wrong, its my fault, I can’t figure it out, it doesn’t make sense”. There was a disconnect with my feelings and my thinking, I lost my ability to communicate. But now I learnt my lesson. I don’t want to focus on this, but I still miss him and I find this time of year quite difficult cos I’m an emotional person. I’m a sentimental person, I think things like “this time last year…” etc. But I’ve learnt to stop myself and move on. Life is now. I’m glad I read the book called the Power of Now and listened to a lot of Buddhist talks. Focus on now. Do not dwell on the past or the future. Now is my life. See, I’m growing and learning.

Simon says that we are always a 10. I finally understand what he means. He used the seed/flower analogy and I thought that a beautiful flower is a 10, but infact we are always a 10. It’s the process of growth and development, not the end result.

I will make the most of 2015! Happy New Year! ^_^

Fear of loneliness

Sunday 11:58pm
Dear Diary,
I’m feeling a bit down, I really want to write about this to get it out of my system. I’m quite a fearful person but I’ve worked hard on overcoming it this year. I got myself into a bad state after the break up, I did everything possible to help myself get better. I paid for NLP therapy sessions and they weren’t cheap, I’ve been reading and learning, attending personal development events. I’ve invested time, energy and money into sorting myself out. I don’t want to go to that dark place again, its scary. But I know that if I’m not careful, I can spiral back down into the dark hole. I’ve learnt not to think my way out of depression and to over analyse. I’ve learnt about meditation, I know these are my passing thoughts and feelings. I accept them and will let them go. Its ok to feel negative. I’m doing really well. I am managing my emotions very well, so well done me. I am proud of myself. (Yes, I’ve also learnt about positive reinforcement and self-compassion, I’m not so harsh to myself. I’ve given up on being a perfectionist)

What’s bothering me? My friends and their negative energy.

1. DC – I’ve blocked him now (see previous entries as to why i’m ignoring him), a few weeks ago he mentioned that he is scared of being alone and single. He’s scared of his friends being in a relationship and abandoning him.

2. AK – She messaged me yesterday, she’s not in the UK at the moment. We ended up talking about being single. Her nephew had a baby and she’s so jealous, she doesn’t want to be single and alone. I tried to keep positive and she said a very negative comment “all the good guys are taken or they are gay”. It upset me, that was my initial reaction but then I realised that its her problem. She can believe that if she wants but I’m having an open mind. I don’t want to think like that. Words have power.

3. MK – I was chatting to him on whatsapp, he asked a girl out and she rejected him. To cut a long story short, he’s also scared of being single, alone and not having children.

Argh, I want to scream. Help me. Why am I surrounded by people who are so fearful? You become who you associate with. I don’t want to be fearful and negative like my friends. I’ve worked hard to transcend my limiting beliefs and fearfulness. I will not let anyone drag me down. I recently realised that I’m actually quite easily influenced by what people say. I do it on a subconscious level. I have to be careful. I used to think like my friends and I got severely depressed and unhappy. I’m not going down that route again. Yes, life is for sharing, I don’t want to be alone either but I’ve learnt to access a higher level of consciousness. I know this is all new age hippy talk, but I want to vibrate at a higher energy level. I don’t want to be motivated by the feeling of lack, fear and desperation. I want to be operating at the optimum level of love, joy and enlightenment. This is hard to explain. What I mean is this…

Negative energy
I’ve always been driven my fear. I’m not good enough, I don’t want to fail, I’m scared that people will abandon me. I was very scared about my relationship with the ex. Then after the break up, I was scared of dating, when I tried to date, I was scared of getting hurt again but yet I was fearful of being alone. I was scared of not meeting another guy that I like. I was scared to be my authentic self. I have a problem of expressing myself because I’m scared of being judged and criticised, I’m a bit of a people pleaser because I’m scared that people won’t like me or I would upset them. I’m scared of life. I’m scared of getting hurt but yet I’m also scared of love. I didn’t know how to love. You get the picture? Very negative and lots of limiting beliefs. What kind of life is that?

Positive energy
I’ve learnt a lot this year. I’m now in a much better place. Its been a difficult process but step by step, I’ve slowly eliminated my fears and I finally understand the principle of feel the fear and do it anyway. I will always have fear, I can’t eradicate fear but now I will not let it ruin my life. I don’t want to be like my friends. They are setting themselves up for disappointment with their attitude. I’ve been there and done that, I’m not putting myself through that hell hole again. 2014 has been the worst year of my life, emotionally. I had hit rock bottom and I’m promising myself that I will never get myself into this state ever again.

I am now operating at a more positive frequency. I am thankful for all the wonderful people I met this year and also Simon, I learnt so much. I am not scared of loneliness, that’s thanks to Buddhism. I’ve been listening to a lot of Ajahn Brahmn’s talk on YouTube and it helped me a lot. I’m learning to be my own best friend. I remember having this conversation with Ed, my NLP coach. The conversation went something like this:

Ed: “Life is for sharing, we are here to procreate”
Me: “Umm, are you saying I’m worthless because I’m single. I can’t be happy alone?”
Ed: “Of course not, that’s why you are here to learn and improve on yourself. Many people jump from one relationship to the next without learning about themselves. It’s important to be content with yourself and then when you find a partner, the love is more powerful”

I can’t remember the exact conversation, but it was something alone those lines. My point is, everyone thinks that a loving relationships can solve all their problems, life is for sharing. I agree but it depresses me. It implies that I can’t be happy because I’m single. That’s why I turned to Buddhism and spirituality to find the answer that I want to hear. We can be our own best friends, we are all at one with the Universe. We don’t need a soulmate to make us happy and feel fulfilled. Yes, it would be amazing to find a wonderful partner but I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on someone else. All my life, I wished that someone will love me, I’m finally learning about self-love and so I want to believe that loving myself is enough. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to find a partner, it just means that whatever happens, I can handle it. I used to be very naive and believed in happily ever afters but the ex had totally shattered my hopes and dreams. He taught me a harsh lesson, people can change, there are no guarantees for happily ever afters. I’m still naive, I still like my fairytales and I still believe in love but I’m now aware that I create my own reality, I’m in control of my mind.

Love, joy and enlightenment. I understand the meaning now. The way I see life is that I’m lucky to be alive, I’m grateful for what I do have, I am calm, I have to stay focused and take action. Fears and negatively will not dictate my life.

Loneliness doesn’t scare me. Its not the worse that could happen. What is more scary is death and illness. I’m just putting things into perspective. I am not being pessimistic or negative, I’m just stating a fact that loneliness is the least of my worries if I was to list out my fears. So, that implies that when it comes to dating, I have nothing to fear!

I’m not sure if I’m making sense. If not, my main point is – do not be influenced by the fearful and negative attitudes of my friends. There is nothing to fear! If I do feel the fear, then just push through it and it’ll be okay.

Setting yourself up for disappointment
I’ve been reading a cool book called The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman. It discusses how positive thinking can be dangerous. I won’t go into details, a good example in the book was that when you think on positive things, you have to also focus on negative things. Its basically setting yourself up for disappointment. E.g. the statement “don’t think of a white polar bear”, you can’t not think about a white polar bear.

I know some people won’t agree with me, but according to my model of the world, this is what I think and believe. I’ve been bought up the tough Chinese way, that’s why my views are a bit extreme. For example, at school I had to get an A grade. If I didn’t get an A grade, it means that I’m not good enough, I’m a failure. If I ever have kids, I will not condition their minds like that. I will tell them “do your best, aim high, you can succeed”. I know how my mind works, so if someone said to me “life is for sharing” to me, I interpret that meaning that I’m a failure because i’m not sharing my life with someone. I learnt this from my NLP therapy with Ed. We filter and distort things, then we give it a meaning that fits into our thinking. Therefore I really don’t want to think like my friends. I don’t want to think “I don’t want to be alone, I want to be in a relationship, life is for sharing, I want to find someone”. That causes me distress cos it means I’m single, I can’t be happy, I have to find a guy to make me feel complete. I’m not going down that path of thinking! Instead, I’ll say to myself “I love myself, I enjoy my own company, I’ll take action and start dating, it’ll be fun, it’ll be nice to find a guy to share my life with”. When I talk to myself like that, I do not come from a place of desperation and not good enough cos I’m single. Words have power. I have to be careful with how I talk to myself. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment because of my self-talk. The differences may be subtle but it means a lot to me.

I’ve been reading Chinese philosophy books. I can’t remember who said this but language is not a direct reference of the truth e.g. when you point to the moon or describe the moon, it is not the moon itself. The moon is just in the sky, you have to observe it to understand the real moon. I love those stories, they are simple but yet profound. I really liked that story about the moon. I’m a logical person, I think and analyse a lot but I’ve realised that using language to describe something can mean that what I’m trying to write about can be lost in translation from thought/feeling to words. I’m working on being a more critical and efficient thinker. I’ve also been reading a book called You are Not So Smart: Why Your Memory is Mostly Fiction, Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook and 46 Other Ways You’re Deluding Yourself by David McRaney

I guess the good thing about me is that I’m humble and modest. I’m not ego driven and so I can be open minded. I’m learning a lot about life and changing my old thinking habits. People always want to think they are right but the good thing about me is that I’m a good listener, I admit when I’m wrong and I’m willing to change. Lots of people are trapped in their thinking, I’ve escaped from that.

Well, 2014 has been a painful but a good year afterall cos I’ve learnt so much. I am never alone, I always have myself. No one can reject me apart from myself. Fear of loneliness is ok but I know I can handle it, its not the end of the world but I’m going to take action to have fun and prevent it from happening. Whatever happens, at least I tried my best.

I feel more calm now. Time for bed. Good night. Be strong, be brave, have courage and do not let other people affect your inner peace.

Focus

8pm
I was just skimming through some of my old diary entries and reading the BBC news website. I’m so lucky. I’m very grateful for my life and being who I am. There are a lot of sad stories and tragedies in the news. I don’t know the statistics but a few people properly died in the world since I’ve sat here in front of my laptop for the past couple of hours. I know that sometimes I can sound like a spoilt self centered brat, and its all about me but I am not like that at all.

Simon always tell me that life is for living and its what you make of it. Words have power and what you focus on expands. Right now, I want to focus on gratitude. I am grateful that I’m still alive, my family and friends are healthy and alive.

I’m finally going to take Simon’s advice and live my life, move forward. Its time for a new chapter in my life. I am now emotionally stable. I’m not falling to pieces anymore, I can handle my emotions a lot better now.

I took my siblings out to the cinema on Sunday, we went to see the new Paddington bear film. We had lunch at Nandos, watched the film and then we had coffee with cake. Its so nice to spend time with them. I love my family despite the chaos at home. I want to make a difference to their lives cos things at home are crazy. I’ve been am emotional wreck this year and I’ve neglected my siblings. From now on, I will focus on achieving my goals and dreams. Never give up. I don’t want to live with regrets.